Against my... will?

Going to see the pastor this morning. And I really, REALLY don't want to... but I made the appointment, so I figure he'd probably be kinda ticked if I didn't show up. I have to remember to pack some kleenex or make sure that my sleeves are long enough...

Eh... if anyone reads this, pray that this will go well and that my words will come logically out of my mouth.

Deleting spree.

Sometimes I wish one could erase conversations, days, hours, maybe even years like one can erase blog posts. But then, it would probably cause a lot of confusion for the people included when they have big blank spots in their memories.... Hmm.

I don't really know what to talk about. I'm afraid to say anything too personal for fear of someone reading this that I don't want to. So I have 3 options: blog within the guidelines, not blog at all, or set it so that only I can read it, or just readers of my choice. And all three of those options are increasingly dull... Too bad there's not an option to just not give a flip what anyone else thinks or cares. I guess that's what got me in trouble in the first place, and therefore, I guess it's time to shut the doors on myself, again.

So, the only option I'm really comfortable with now is blogging about insignificant specks of nothing that pertain to my life, such as the weather, my breakfast cereal, and my constant distress about which shoes to wear. Anything emotional will probably lead to my downfall...

Oh well. I was never very good at venting gracefully anyway.

Working all alone

Normally, only one person works on Saturdays from 10-2, but today I had to get here at 8. I hate not being able to drive myself places... I really don't even want to open, but I'm being paid to sit here and do nothing... I hope it's slow today. I don't really feel like having a lot of customers. I don't really feel like being here at all, actually.

Would have written in this sooner, but my laptop is not cooperating with my dad's internet router. I don't know how he has it set up, but I can't do almost anything in my given 2 hours, and it's a pain in the rump. It's also frustrating because I can't get him to care about it. Ugh. I thought having my own computer would make my life a lot easier, but sometimes it just makes it a little more complicated.

Speaking of complicated... One of my best friends is seeing a girl. I am completely happy about this, because he used to be obsessed with me, and I hated it. However, I'm kinda upset because now, he doesn't talk to me very much at all. I tried to text him last night, but he brushed me off because Lydia was there. I feel replaced... I'm just wondering when he won't try to reach me at all because he's got her to talk to.

Ugh.

Thoughts

It's January 3, and yet I'm sitting on my bed in a t-shirt with the fan on high. It is bright and sunny out, and at a nice warm temperature in the 70's. Tomorrow, we expect it to be 25 degrees, and raining. Although the weather is unpredictable at times, there is no other place on earth I would rather live than in Texas.

Today there is nothing on my schedule. Normally, I would have to either work from 10-2, or dance from 1-3, but we are on holiday from both. There is a hockey game at 5:30 I think, but I don't plan on going. My sister is away for today and tomorrow, so I intend on using all the time possible being alone. It's one of the things I enjoy most. I guess when I'm on my own I'll be perfectly happy and content, so long as I have a good stable job.

I have decided to keep this blog completely private. I have not told any of my family or friends that I have picked up blogging again. I like to write on the internet, because it gives me the feeling of being able to express myself in "public," but at the same time, it lies unseen in all the millions of read-worthy blogs. I stopped blogging back in the summer for several reasons. It was being used as a way to harass me and to place blame where all my friends could see it. It was used to vent angrily. Altogether, it was a very negative place, and I didn't enjoy it anymore. I was afraid to truly speak my mind. I was very insecure when I blogged, and so I stopped. I haven't deleted it (yet) because it does have a few entries that are somewhat important to me, and good works of writing. But I won't be able to use it again for my personal enjoyment.

So I made this one, and hopefully, my other blog will be abandoned enough that no one will be able to find me here - not even my parents.

In time, maybe I'll be able to write freely again, but in the near future, everything is going to be put away for my private use only. And I like it that way.

Typical day

So far this week, everything's been okay. I haven't gotten in trouble that much, and I haven't yelled at my sister more than necessary, so I think that it's all cool for now. Audrey is leaving for an overnight stay with Stacy, so I'll have the room and my thoughts to myself.

Dance starts back up on Monday, and I can't wait to share my ideas with Karen about my solo piece. I want it rich and flowing, classical, yet fresh and new. I want it to be challenging, and I want it to shine. I don't want it to be about me; I want it to be about the music. Hopefully, my talents will match up to everything I want this to be.
I am overly worried about the rest of the girls though. I know that we are a small town with small town teachers and dancers, but the efforts shown at everyday class and the attitudes brought there are none the less concerning. I don't know how Karen is going to be able to pull off a decent ballet with a lazy dancer as her lead. I guess all I can do is try to be a good example.

Got my new laptop, and so far, I'm lovin it. I wish I could use it more, but since I don't have very many useful apps and internet only 2 hours a day, I'm pretty limited. I do like to listen to movies and stuff, but that's about it.

Nothing else to report... I'm going to go eat and then I suppose it's off to bed. Not even 8 pm yet... I lead a very boring life. O.o